Saturday, April 28, 2012

I Miss it

I miss working, not in a sense of the income we lost but in the sense of the personal fulfilment I gained.
For those that know me, know that I am a trained Special Education Aide and worked alongside teachers in special school with some awesome children that had disabilities and behaviours of concern, for those that didn’t know, do now, and frankly it is that best gig in the world.
But Hubby and my little family just moved from picturesque Victoria to the hustle and bustle of Sydney which evidently meant giving up my awesome career.
I hold no one responsible, nor do I resent anyone for it, it’s just how it is for us as a defence family, another town, another chapter in our life, we take it on the chin and have always viewed it as a new adventure, and I made the decision to remain out of work until the kids were settled into school and day care, what I didn’t take into account was the travel *peak hour is a bitch* and the cost of care both after school and child care, all this mounting up against me didn’t really assist in my favour of going back to work, it just really didn’t equal itself out, and at the end of the day wasn’t really worth it.

Now I’ve known something has been amiss since we’ve moved, I’ve been in a funk that I just couldn’t shake, but it wasn’t until we were at a local market as a family when it hit me
I seen a boy spinning, pacing, flapping and humming to himself, clearly Autistic, that just mesmerised me, I stood watching him, oblivious to everyone else, *now I’m not an irresponsible mother* I was aware of my children bumbling ahead fossicking through stalls for the ultimate toy to buy and hubby trailing somewhere behind me, but I was awe struck, everyone else paid him no attention, if anything gave him a wide berth, but I happily stood watching for what seemed like forever. I must have had a smile spread across my face because the next thing I experienced was the gravelly tone of hubby snapping in my ear that
“I was happier with them then I was with my own family”
*please forgive his incorrectness it was sheer frustration that drew him to this point*

I spun around ready to defend myself with all the venom of a wounded viper but as I went to strike out I realised he was right, I was at my happiest right there at that point, and I had no argument. I simply responded with
“your right I miss it” I
 missed work, I missed all the kids, there faces, there smiles, I missed everything!
I stood there dumfounded realising in that split second I’d been in some sort of morning, grieving in a sense, for each and every child that held a place in my heart, I still see their faces, still know there stories, still know their voices and laughs just as I know my own children, I was pining for them, to see them all again, even if it was to be sworn at again.  
Now I’m not some weirdo that needs to feel wanted or needed, I have three smalls and an iron pumping, continual fridge munching husband, I have all the needing and wanting that makes me want to build a cave in the garbage bin some days just for peace and quiet, and anyone that can withstand me every morning has more unconditional love than anyone deserves in a life time. I am a very lucky women blessed with an amazing family and an even more remarkable extended family. 

But people with Disabilities are just the most amazing people you’ll ever met, they are the most unique, individual, loveable, and courageous people, they have a way of viewing life that’s so complex yet so in your face simple, they find the biggest of pleasures in the simplest of things and love whole hearted unconditionally and without judgement.  

I can’t explain exactly what “it” is
But to me it’s that feeling you get when you successfully reach a goal when everyone said that child couldn’t and wouldn’t do it,

It’s seeing a child smile when they do something independently for the first time,

It’s seeing the children experience something for the first time and love it.

It’s walking out of work with a full heart knowing your making a difference to a child, to a family.

It’s feeling the warmth of a families hand when you meet them and know it comes from their hearts,
That feeling right there is infectious, it seeps into every fibre of your soul, composing the foundations for a life changing experience, that alters everything you ever knew and will ever know.
But for those that don’t know that feeling I’ll try explaining it this way...

You know when you’re watching X factor, or those singing judging shows and the judges are really critical of a contestant and you find yourself feeling really  sorry for them and then when they start singing and blows everyone away and you’re on your feet fist pumping the air screaming suck shit, well that’s what “it’s” like every day.

That feeling of awe, amazement, and absolute inspiration that grips your gut and makes you want to stand and scream “hell yeah” from the highest tower, because there that awesome.  

And although Hubby doesn’t understand what “it’” is, he does support me, so as I embark on another educational journey, to pacify my needs until I can go back to work, he’ll be there bringing me coffee, helping out cooking dinner, or rubbing my back as I slump over the keyboard completing assignment after assignment, he’ll be there every step of the way.

So as much as this is my person "ah" enlightenment moment post for me it's also my thank you tribute post to my hubby because even though it's my study, it's really study, our journey together as he is never really to far from my side, and without him it really would'nt be possible. He's my strength, my rock, and my kick in the back side.
Love you honey xxxx

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