I Miss it

I miss working, not in a sense of the income we lost but in the sense of the personal fulfilment I gained.

For those that know me, know that I am a trained Special Education Aide and worked alongside teachers in special school with some awesome children that had disabilities and behaviours of concern, for those that didn’t know, do now, and frankly it is that best gig in the world.

But Hubby and my little family just moved from picturesque Victoria to the hustle and bustle of Sydney which evidently meant giving up my awesome career.

I hold no one responsible, nor do I resent anyone for it, it’s just how it is for us as a defence family, another town, another chapter in our life, we take it on the chin and have always viewed it as a new adventure, and I made the decision to remain out of work until the kids were settled into school and day care, what I didn’t take into account was the travel *peak hour is a bitch* and the cost of care both after school and child care, all this mounting up against me didn’t really assist in my favour of going back to work, it just really didn’t equal itself out, and at the end of the day wasn’t really worth it.

Now I’ve known something has been amiss since we’ve moved, I’ve been in a funk that I just couldn’t shake, but it wasn’t until we were at a local market as a family when it hit me
I seen a boy spinning, pacing, flapping and humming to himself, clearly Autistic, that just mesmerised me, I stood watching him, oblivious to everyone else, *now I’m not an irresponsible mother* I was aware of my children bumbling ahead fossicking through stalls for the ultimate toy to buy and hubby trailing somewhere behind me, but I was awe struck, everyone else paid him no attention, if anything gave him a wide berth, but I happily stood watching for what seemed like forever. I must have had a smile spread across my face because the next thing I experienced was the gravelly tone of hubby snapping in my ear that

“I was happier with them then I was with my own family”

*please forgive his incorrectness it was sheer frustration that drew him to this point*

I spun around ready to defend myself with all the venom of a wounded viper but as I went to strike out I realised he was right, I was at my happiest right there at that point, and I had no argument. I simply responded with

“your right I miss it” I

 missed work, I missed all the kids, there faces, there smiles, I missed everything!

I stood there dumfounded realising in that split second I’d been in some sort of morning, grieving in a sense, for each and every child that held a place in my heart, I still see their faces, still know there stories, still know their voices and laughs just as I know my own children, I was pining for them, to see them all again, even if it was to be sworn at again.  

Now I’m not some weirdo that needs to feel wanted or needed, I have three smalls and an iron pumping, continual fridge munching husband, I have all the needing and wanting that makes me want to build a cave in the garbage bin some days just for peace and quiet, and anyone that can withstand me every morning has more unconditional love than anyone deserves in a life time. I am a very lucky women blessed with an amazing family and an even more remarkable extended family. 

But people with Disabilities are just the most amazing people you’ll ever met, they are the most unique, individual, loveable, and courageous people, they have a way of viewing life that’s so complex yet so in your face simple, they find the biggest of pleasures in the simplest of things and love whole hearted unconditionally and without judgement.  

I can’t explain exactly what “it” is

But to me it’s that feeling you get when you successfully reach a goal when everyone said that child couldn’t and wouldn’t do it,

It’s seeing a child smile when they do something independently for the first time,

It’s seeing the children experience something for the first time and love it.

It’s walking out of work with a full heart knowing your making a difference to a child, to a family.

It’s feeling the warmth of a families hand when you meet them and know it comes from their hearts,

 
That feeling right there is infectious, it seeps into every fibre of your soul, composing the foundations for a life changing experience, that alters everything you ever knew and will ever know.

But for those that don’t know that feeling I’ll try explaining it this way...

You know when you’re watching X factor, or those singing judging shows and the judges are really critical of a contestant and you find yourself feeling really  sorry for them and then when they start singing and blows everyone away and you’re on your feet fist pumping the air screaming suck shit, well that’s what “it’s” like every day.

That feeling of awe, amazement, and absolute inspiration that grips your gut and makes you want to stand and scream “hell yeah” from the highest tower, because there that awesome.  

And although Hubby doesn’t understand what “it’” is, he does support me, so as I embark on another educational journey, to pacify my needs until I can go back to work, he’ll be there bringing me coffee, helping out cooking dinner, or rubbing my back as I slump over the keyboard completing assignment after assignment, he’ll be there every step of the way.

So as much as this is my person "ah" enlightenment moment post for me it's also my thank you tribute post to my hubby because even though it's my study, it's really study, our journey together as he is never really to far from my side, and without him it really would'nt be possible. He's my strength, my rock, and my kick in the back side.
Love you honey xxxx

Hitting The Books.....Again!

I've made the decision that I'm going back to study again.

This means more late nights slumped at the key board, copious amounts of coffee, the occasional screaming, crying, stress induced hissy fit *yes I do throw them and I see exactly were Miss Moo gets it from when I do* plenty more assignments, numerous hours inside a classrooms,  priceless achievements, flourishing confidence, new skills, placement time, fulfillment and career clarity.

But I've done it before and I'm determined to do it again.

I've filled out my application, sealed it with hope and posted it off.

Now its all a waiting game.

I hate waiting!

What If......

I'm not a scarves wearer, but I find this bleak fresh Thursday morning wrapping one around my neck seems right.

For security?

Am I making a statement?

 Because is cold and looks fashionable?

To hide what only the Doctor and I know is there?

To cover the marks they leave behind in my make up perhaps?................

I don't know

But I somehow feel better with in on, like a shield of amour, giving me warmth and bravery as I go alone to yet again another appointment.

Faceless, voiceless practitioners, there smiles a facade,

I stare at the roof, following hollow instructions.

I catch a glimpse at the screen and see why I’m there, it doesn’t look that bad, measurement look huge compared to what it feels like under my finger tips, I see flashes of red and blue, is that blood and oxygen?

Why can’t they explain it to you? Why won’t she talk, she knows I bloody can’t she’s scanning my neck!

3 hrs and I get my results, god bless Sydney for it's efficiency.
 
3 hrs to find out my fate,

But we know that’s a lie, because I need another Doctor to decipher the images and the written report, even though my 8yrs of experience might help me understand, I think it's best in the hands of professionals today.

But what if they got it wrong? What if she didn’t take the right images? What if she didn’t take enough? What if she didn’t measure right? What if she was in the wrong spot? What if I showed her the wrong spot? What if there’s more?  What if it's something else?

What if?

So many what if’s........

ANZAC DAY

Anzac day has always been met with a great sense of pride, respect and passion in my house hold, not just because I am the wife of a serving member but because I come from a long line of serving members and it's in my blood!

My father was a Navy man, His father also served in the RAF before migrating to Australia.
Both my father's brothers served, one in the Army (whom continues to serve in the reserves) the other in the RAAF, even one of his sister served briefly in the Army.

My husbands father served in the Army, as did his father and his fathers brother.
Ron had the honour last year of marching along side his father wearing his grandfather medals, and the feelings surrounding that momentous event was indescribable.

So there is a long line of history when it comes to our family and Anzac Day, and the kids love watching there father march and take great pride in the days events.

It honestly wouldn't surprise me if at least one of my children became serving members themselves.

We as a family had a rather quiet Anzac Day this year (which is rather unusual in itself ) but then again Anzac Day is a time to remember rather than a time to get rolling drunk and stagger home.

After Ron's initial dawn service we spent the morning lazying about home researching and reading Ron's grandfather's Defence documents and enlistment paper work, spent sometime at the park as a family, and enjoyed a lovely lunch with close friends at the local League's club.  

Being new to Sydney we weren't really clued up on what was on and honestly the kids and I didn't actually expect Ron home at all, so it was nice to spend it together as a family for once.

Hope everyone else had an enjoyable Anzac Day.

Epic Fail

I woke up at 7am this morning, Packed lunches, organised school bags, uniforms, school shoes, 

got breakfast sorted and fed into their little bellies.

Stop to boast on facebook how good it is that school is back today.

I sort day care bags, hair combed, teeth brushed, faces washed, and headed out the door.

I dropped Master T at day care, he surprisingly went without a fuss after having just over a week off for holidays. no one said anything as they made comment at how gorgeous and smart Miss Moos looked in her uniform with her hair in the fish tail braids.

I drove to school 8:45 knowing parking being first day back of term and now raining was going to be problematic, pull into car park.............empty!

I think, gate must be locked I'll go around the front, surely school is on. Right?

I see the crossing guard, glimmer of hope, I see teachers cars, I smile,  but the gates are still closed!

I'm so confused.

I think to myself, I'll go home and check the news letter.

I get home, tell kids to remain in the car and race inside to check the newsletter on the fridge.

there it is in black and white.

School returns Tuesday 24th April

I tell the kids to get out of the car (quickly don't want the neighbours to know what a dick I am) head upstairs get changed because I have a few errands to run.

I got up at 7am and out of the house by 8am for nothing!

and to add insult to injury I now have to do it again tomorrow.  

Going It Solo

1 Adult, 1 Dog (my 4th baby), 3 Kids and 930km round trip of highway.

Nothing is impossible!

The trip started off with miserable weather,

but that didn't stop the kids having fun,

 and spending quality time with their Nanny and Boo Boo.

We managed some time however breif it was in the sand and surf.

To see Grandpa who is much better and moving about a little more each day.

Fixed my punctured tyre, thanks to an anonymous nail,

Finished my book,

Relaxed,

Go carted,

Easter egg/treasure map hunted

Ate good food,

 Played mah-jong

And let the Kids run around the farm, breathing in fresh air, streching there lungs an legs, and enjoying the freedom of space. 

It was Murphy's law that the best weather was as we headed home.

I was quietly suprised that the traffic was quiet considering how close to the end of school holidays It was, I was expecting a lot of congestion and delays.

I can not fault the kids on there travel performance, even if one more pit (pee) stop was going to reduce me to wimpering heap, but I'm blessed with 3 excellent travelllers, they have been well seasoned since they we're born, travelling from the N.T down to VIC every year, and I am glad to say they were just angels to travel with yet again.

I'm not new to travelling long distances solo with 3 kids and a dog, but this has been my longest journey so far, and remarkably the easiest trip I've made.

 But I think this has to do more with the kids age then my experience.

As a defence wife I've never been one to sit around and wait for good things to happen in the hands of others, like holidays approved, time off, or wishful promises,

 because I know from experience that it just doesnt happen like that, I've learn't the hard way, the kind that envolves, heartache, screaming mactches, and worst of all the sorrowful eyes of little children looking questionlying "but why".

I learnt that If I didn't take the bull by the horn my kids would miss out and so would I, and whilst I know it sounds selfish leaving my husband at home alone fending for himself  and slaving away at work while we're away on holidays having a blast, if he had time off we'd have him with us in a heart beat. 

Limitations are only restrictions we put on ourselves.

I know there will be a lot more trip in the near distance future. I know I can do it, and nothing will stop me.  

Holiday Mode

So Tuesday I packed the car full stuff, 3 kidlets, an the dog and I embarked on a 6hr journey up the coast to my parents farm to see out the remaining school holidays. I'm blessed with excellent travelers and despite the DVD player having some power malfunction not even 30 mins out of Sydney we still survived the entire trip with out it. I love travelling but the gods were against me yesterday pouring bucket loads of rain all over my little car the whole entire trip, but nothing damped our spirites, we were going to Nanny and Boo Boo's. The kids have been live wires ever since they got out of the car practically running, the fresh air, room to run and endless adventure and places to explore have them running in circles like excited puppies chasing there tales. Even the slight rain shower this morning didn't deter them from there Easter treasure hunter, fully equipped with individual treasure maps, clues and x marks the spot ( post to follow ) They are having a ball, just what they need to rest and recoup before going back to school next week.