Walking In The Sun

Ever get those days when just the very thought of being stuck inside gives you instantaneous claustrophobia.

Well today was my day.

I pulled into the drive after dropping off kidlet 1 & 2 at school and just couldn’t drag myself and kidlet 3 into the cold dreary house for another day of house work, and nothingness.

So I put the car into reverse and set off to the park (which I prayed they’d completed building)

I ran about in the sun with my boy, pushing and swinging him at his command, took a breather an watched him play and take turns with another younger girl who was smitten by him, and followed him to every different activity he chose, it was quite funny.

Days like this are so rare between us during the week, fun filled adventurous days are for the weekends as a family.

But we both had such a ball, and to see that smile plastered across his face was a raw reminder that he’s not so little anymore, he’s an independent boy with thoughts and opinions of his own, but what caught me off guard is realising he is in school next year and I won't get the chance to act on a whim like I did today, seeing him so carefree and animated being out there playing, and the excited chatter and stumbling over words recounting his day to his Dad and siblings was priceless.

So we made a deal to do it at least once a week from now on, just me and him walking out in the sun, hand in hand, enjoying the day.

What's one thing you wish you could do more of during the week?

School Lunches

I only have 2 lunches to prepare; soon to be 3 next year, but both lunch boxes I prepare are different.

This Is Master Z's typical daily lunch.
Usually containing.

·  A chicken meat sandwich (every single day without fail, if it’s different I guarantee it won't be eaten)

·  Biscuits (has to be the ones he made not ones made by his siblings)

·  Want want rice crackers.

·  Rice bubble bar (he won't eat it, but I put it in there just in case)

·  Cheese and biscuits (won't eat this either but again just in case)

·  Fresh Strawberries. (Usually its carrot, capsicum, tomato, cheese and cucumber but between him and hubby I ran out)

·  Tiny Teddy's (won't touch these either)

·  Burger Rings (Unless there plain chips he won't eat them either but that's all I had left so here's hoping)

·  A mandarin (usually apples but I again wanted to try him with something different)

·  And some new fruit nugget thingy I found the other day thought it was worth a shot.

Now hubby complains I "over pack" I honestly don't think I do, I know what he eats and am still learning what limits I can push to try and get him to try new foods.

I pack his favourites so he isn't starving, but I add in new stuff in the hopes maybe his peers will intrigue him into trying something.

A lot of it is hit and miss, we've sat down with catalogues and recipe books and gone through what he might like to try (his father is a fully qualified chef nothing is impossible) but I get the same vague shrugged response.

I’ve baked muffins, Quiches in tiny pastry cups, made salad wraps, savory biscuits, jelly, custard, yogurt, brought every lunch box snack in stock at Woollies, Coles and Aldi, and still only have a list of 5-6 things he’ll eat on a regular basis.

My other two don't care, if its edible, consider it gone, but this one lunch box does my head in every morning, eats at me all day, until 3pm when I can assess the damage and hope that I’ve discovered a new food item he’s eaten, enjoyed and actually likes.

Do You Have A Dreaded Lunch Box??

Frumpy Friday.

Why Frumpy Friday?

Why am I not celebrating the fact that the weekend is so close everyone can smell it.

Because lets face it, I don't have the energy to sum up the energy to get excited over the weekend.

Its been an exhausting flat out week, I feel like the kids have run emotional ring around me, I was sick all day yesterday, I had blood tests this morning that resulted in 4 collapsed veins, spearing a needle straight through one vein and resorting to sucking out my blood with a syringe rather then letting it flow like they normally do, because apparently my blood just stopped? God for all I know it was boycotting, probally felt like a lunch break, we had worked the bastard the 30mins, next time I'll send it a memo letting it know it had a duty to keep moving.
Fingers crossed the doctor havested enough, because the junkie look just isn't in this season I'm pretty sure.

So my choice of clothes today reflect my rather sombre, I really don't care kind of mood today.

• My Big W skinny leg jeans, which I seriously think the seam at the back in coming apart so their ready to retire,
• My Blinded By Youth T-shirt from Zara, I love this shirt, not only for the fact that it so damn quirky but because it has a zipper on the front, side ways!
• My black asymmetrical cardigan from cotton On, because that breeze this morning was chilly.
•  The good old Mambo Thongs, Just incase the weather warmed up.
•  Fav Sunnies by Ruby, to hide the bags under my eyes

So Whats Your Frumpy Friday Look Like?

My Newest Favorite Show

This moving TV series is about an 10 year old Autistic boy that has never spoken a single word in his young life, but his Father who raises him on his own out of desperation has found a way to communicate with, and hear just what Jake wants to say.

I've been drawn in to this series from the very beginning.

Its down right touching, passionate, and riveting and undoubtedly full of all the love and raw kinds of emotions only a parent can have.

First School Camp

  
  
My Big Boy had his first school camp last night.

I may or may not have panicked a little bit......

Ok I panicked A LOT!

His class went to Taronga Zoo to participate in the Zoo snooze, we had to drop the kids back down at the school office at 4:15pm for a 4:30pm departure and they are to return today at 3pm normal school finishing time.

I found myself snapping at hubby before we even left the house yesterday as I cracked under the pressure of the boy venturing off into the unknown, “His bags bigger and heavier than him, read the brief GI Joe it say’s SMALL Backpack” My gosh I’m the first to admit I’m a bitch when I stressed.

Hubby took him into school as requested by the boy, dagger to mums heart but I waited, wounded in the car with the other two.

We attended Miss Moos dance class and returned home.

The house, safe to say was eerie quiet (aside from the rhythmic patter of my pacing feet)

Funny how you take away one child from any family with 3 kidlets and the dynamics change completely, things normally moved remain untouched, house stays cleaned, parent stay calm and productive, children become angelic and quiet, it’s all rather strange really and for reasons unbeknownst to mankind it's unexplainable and I found it really unsettling.

The boy had a choice of buying his lunch today or taking it, but I sent him with both, I panicked at the last minute and thought what if he didn’t like anything at the shop, I know he would just go without, but would anyone notice? Would anyone help him?

So I packed his lunch box with a mountain of snacks to feed him + 2, just in case and a sandwich.

After annoying hubby with a million questions on if the boy would be able to open his sleeping bag and unroll his mattress on his own, and be able to roll it back up and pack it away without a meltdown, because we know he’s a perfectionist.

I laid in bed half the night worrying sick.

What if he sleep walks?
What if he panics and there's no night light?
What if he wets the bed, Oh god he has no spare change of clothes!
Will his class mates tease his after this trip?
Will he hate school after this trip?
Will his behavior change after this trip? Good? Bad? No Change?
What if he wants to come home?
What if he's scared?
What did he have for tea?
Is he warm enough?
Will he have nightmares now?
What area did they sleep in? please not with the spiders.

I roll over and look at the clock it was 3:12am

I was fuming that the school only allowing 4 Teachers for 2 classes (which is ample I know) and no parent volunteers, no contact number for parents to call.

I don’t know if I would have called or not, had I have had a number but I may have been more settled knowing I had the option there if I wanted to.

I’ve really over thought this trip and I really worked myself up over it, I’m exhausted from lack of sleep, I know he’ll come home had the best time, had no dramas (or if he had not tell me for 4 days)

but that’s what happens when you’re a parent, and when you’re a parent of a child with special needs the worry is just that much greater.  

Sometime's It Just Get A Little To Loud.

With a house hold of 5 people, 3 of those being smalls, our family is what I affectionately like to call
" lived in " door slam, feet stomp, voices raise, things clatter, dogs howl, we make noise and a lot of it.

Sometimes thou for master Z despite his best efforts, and I know he is trying so hard with every flinch of his bony body, wincing an scrunching of his little face, it all gets to much, especially in confined spaces like cars when theres no escape, no retreating to his quiet space, so lucky for him hubby's a Carpenter and salvation is never to far away.

Peace and quiet has never looked so serene.

I Miss it

I miss working, not in a sense of the income we lost but in the sense of the personal fulfilment I gained.

For those that know me, know that I am a trained Special Education Aide and worked alongside teachers in special school with some awesome children that had disabilities and behaviours of concern, for those that didn’t know, do now, and frankly it is that best gig in the world.

But Hubby and my little family just moved from picturesque Victoria to the hustle and bustle of Sydney which evidently meant giving up my awesome career.

I hold no one responsible, nor do I resent anyone for it, it’s just how it is for us as a defence family, another town, another chapter in our life, we take it on the chin and have always viewed it as a new adventure, and I made the decision to remain out of work until the kids were settled into school and day care, what I didn’t take into account was the travel *peak hour is a bitch* and the cost of care both after school and child care, all this mounting up against me didn’t really assist in my favour of going back to work, it just really didn’t equal itself out, and at the end of the day wasn’t really worth it.

Now I’ve known something has been amiss since we’ve moved, I’ve been in a funk that I just couldn’t shake, but it wasn’t until we were at a local market as a family when it hit me
I seen a boy spinning, pacing, flapping and humming to himself, clearly Autistic, that just mesmerised me, I stood watching him, oblivious to everyone else, *now I’m not an irresponsible mother* I was aware of my children bumbling ahead fossicking through stalls for the ultimate toy to buy and hubby trailing somewhere behind me, but I was awe struck, everyone else paid him no attention, if anything gave him a wide berth, but I happily stood watching for what seemed like forever. I must have had a smile spread across my face because the next thing I experienced was the gravelly tone of hubby snapping in my ear that

“I was happier with them then I was with my own family”

*please forgive his incorrectness it was sheer frustration that drew him to this point*

I spun around ready to defend myself with all the venom of a wounded viper but as I went to strike out I realised he was right, I was at my happiest right there at that point, and I had no argument. I simply responded with

“your right I miss it” I

 missed work, I missed all the kids, there faces, there smiles, I missed everything!

I stood there dumfounded realising in that split second I’d been in some sort of morning, grieving in a sense, for each and every child that held a place in my heart, I still see their faces, still know there stories, still know their voices and laughs just as I know my own children, I was pining for them, to see them all again, even if it was to be sworn at again.  

Now I’m not some weirdo that needs to feel wanted or needed, I have three smalls and an iron pumping, continual fridge munching husband, I have all the needing and wanting that makes me want to build a cave in the garbage bin some days just for peace and quiet, and anyone that can withstand me every morning has more unconditional love than anyone deserves in a life time. I am a very lucky women blessed with an amazing family and an even more remarkable extended family. 

But people with Disabilities are just the most amazing people you’ll ever met, they are the most unique, individual, loveable, and courageous people, they have a way of viewing life that’s so complex yet so in your face simple, they find the biggest of pleasures in the simplest of things and love whole hearted unconditionally and without judgement.  

I can’t explain exactly what “it” is

But to me it’s that feeling you get when you successfully reach a goal when everyone said that child couldn’t and wouldn’t do it,

It’s seeing a child smile when they do something independently for the first time,

It’s seeing the children experience something for the first time and love it.

It’s walking out of work with a full heart knowing your making a difference to a child, to a family.

It’s feeling the warmth of a families hand when you meet them and know it comes from their hearts,

 
That feeling right there is infectious, it seeps into every fibre of your soul, composing the foundations for a life changing experience, that alters everything you ever knew and will ever know.

But for those that don’t know that feeling I’ll try explaining it this way...

You know when you’re watching X factor, or those singing judging shows and the judges are really critical of a contestant and you find yourself feeling really  sorry for them and then when they start singing and blows everyone away and you’re on your feet fist pumping the air screaming suck shit, well that’s what “it’s” like every day.

That feeling of awe, amazement, and absolute inspiration that grips your gut and makes you want to stand and scream “hell yeah” from the highest tower, because there that awesome.  

And although Hubby doesn’t understand what “it’” is, he does support me, so as I embark on another educational journey, to pacify my needs until I can go back to work, he’ll be there bringing me coffee, helping out cooking dinner, or rubbing my back as I slump over the keyboard completing assignment after assignment, he’ll be there every step of the way.

So as much as this is my person "ah" enlightenment moment post for me it's also my thank you tribute post to my hubby because even though it's my study, it's really study, our journey together as he is never really to far from my side, and without him it really would'nt be possible. He's my strength, my rock, and my kick in the back side.
Love you honey xxxx